My father was something of a non-traditionalist. He didn't put too much stock in the way other people did things. He had to do things his own way, right down to re-inventing the holidays. Since I moved away from home I've talked to a lot of people and I think I've finally figured out the way everyone else celebrated certain holidays. Here's what I've learned, contrasted with the way we'd celebrate them at our house.

You celebrate Christmas: a jolly holiday in which children await the coming of Santa Claus, who climbs down the chimney and gives gifts to the good little boys and girls.
I celebrated Zombiemas: a scary holiday in which me and my siblings would cower in terror all night behind our beds, awaiting the coming of Zombie Claus. Zombie Claus would fall down the chimney, then shuffle through the house looking for childrens' brains to eat. If he found one of us he would kill us and suck our brains out our ears; if he didn't, he'd leave gifts.

You celebrate Independence Day: a celebration of the US gaining independence from England on July 4th. Everyone goes to a park and has picnics and barbecues, then watches fireworks go off.
I celebrated Revenge on England Day: Every July 4th we would find a person with a British accent, club him over the head with a sock full of rocks, then tie him up and shoot fireworks at him. Then we'd put him in the car, drive him out to the countryside, and kick him out as my father would yell, "tell your limey friends they're next!" Then we would barbecue.

You celebrate Easter: the Easter Bunny comes to your house and leaves colored eggs all over your yard in rememberance of the ressurection of Christ.
I celebrated Day of Pain: Mom would hang one of us on a cross and nail our hands and feet to it. We had to hang there until the rest of us found all the eggs hidden throughout the house, at which point whoever was on the cross was let down, their wounds treated with alcohol and lemon juice.

You celebrate New Year's Eve: You attend a wild party the night before and count down the end of the old year and the beginning of the new.
I celebrated Armageddon Eve: Every year, shortly after Zombiemas, we would drive frantically to the bunker out in the country with canned goods, water, gas masks and two AK-47s in preparation for the midnight apocalypse. For the next month we would man gun posts in eight hour shifts until my father realized that the arpocalypse was next year, after which we would pack up and go home.

You celebrate Thanksgiving: to commemorate the peaceful dinner between the Native Americans and the European colonists in the New World you get together with your entire family and eat a magnificent feast full of traditional American foods like turkey and cranberry sauce.
We celebrated Thanks-taking: on April 15th, to commemorate the government's annual "raping" of dad's finances, we'd organize a raid on a local politician's office and replace his office supplies with dead fish. Dad would take exactly the amount of office supplies that he felt would equal what he paid in income tax. Or as he put it, "bite the hand that slaps our asses."

You celebrate Halloween: Dressed as ghouls, goblins, and clowns, you'd go through the neighborhood collecting candy and "spooking up the house" with paper skeletons and jack-o-lanterns.
We celebrated Helloween: Dressed as whatever demeaning costume another family member chose to dress me in, my siblings and I would run through other neighborhoods and leave carefully cut chunks of human turds wrapped in candy wrappers at houses festooned with paper skeletons and jack-o-lanterns.