I've been thinking about how my own mind works. Apart from the concepts we are all familiar with -- that our brains are controlled by insane minty-flavored aliens who, if they were not so mad, would be having us do evil deeds all the time but because they are so unstable we have plenty of time to try to do things on our own, like arrange flowers in pots and wonder what those lights do, and stuff like that -- I wondered how the ol' melon worked. What I learned was that quite often how we behave is influenced, or even dictated by, our emotions. I therefore thought it useful to write down my many emotional states in an effort to better understand myself. Here's what I came up with:

MY EMOTIONS

1. An Angry Robot: In this emotional state, I feel like an robot who is angry at the world for treating him like a second-class citizen. Also that he never gets enough oil.

2. Jumping: In this state I feel like jumping. Often leads to the next emotion.

3. Chairs: This state, triggered by exercise or having to wait for stuff or looking at a screen with something on it, is one in which I want to sit down.

4. The Fourth One: This is the state in which I am hyperaware of every movement I make and can be easily embarrased by flatulation.

5. El Magnifico: This emotion is characterized by the feeling that I am a Luchador from Mexico.

6. Minstrel: This state makes me want to write about heroics and play them in song form accompanied by a lute and, perhaps, a set of timpanis on wheels. I have not yet experienced this emotion.

7. Scar: I'm experiencing this emotion any time I get cut open or sliced. "OW!"

8. Fingerhead: Only happens when someone touches my head.

9. Punched Clown: Sometimes I feel like a clown who crossed the boundaries and offended an audience member, and was consequently punched. In this emotional state I get the feeling that I'm supposed to be doing something but all I'm doing is standing there with a stupid look on my face.

10. Emotional: This is the emotional state in which I feel emotional.

11. A Bad Christmas: This happened when I was 13.

12. Like Shit: This state can be triggered by illness, through a series of misfortunes which deprived me of something I wanted, through rejection, or when people can see corn or M & M's in me.

13. Messy: Often pops up when it's time to clean up after myself. When I'm experiencing the emotion of Messy, I think that it's probably best to leave everything just like it is and not tempt fate by moving things around.

14. What the Fuck: Similar to the more traditional emotional state of confusion, but with more conviction. This is the most common emotinal state; the one in which I have no idea what's going on around me.

15. I can Fly: In this emotional state I definitely get the impression that my arms, if pumped up and down hard enough, will function like birds' wings and allow me to fly. This is the emotion that reminds me that emotions can sometimes steer you wrong and even put you in the hospital. So if you have this emotion, BE CAREFUL! Or die!