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"A Brief Tale of the Sea"
by Conroy Weatherspoon
Published October 1st.

"Oho!" cried the captain. "So ye'd mutiny against Captain Spanksworth, terror of the seas, would ye?" "Aye!" cried the mate, "and twice if I could! Have at him, my boys!" The men sprang forward. But the deft captain grabbed the unhappy mate by the collar and slung him down across his wooden thigh. He lowered the mate's trousers; then he drew his rusty cutlass and with a crack like a shivering mizzenmast struck the brawny mate across his ruddy cheeks. Then again! Crack! Crack! "Avast!" begged the mate. "Leave me be, Spanksworth, and I'll obey, and contradict you no more!" "Nay, hearty fellow! Ye've had yer chance, and now come the consequences! Ho ho!" Crack! Ah, how the crew enjoyed the captain's vigorous spankings. Any man among us would gladly yield a tooth to the scurvy for the chance to witness this titillating fray. Now the insubordinate mate's buttocks shone with a bright glow. Again and again the captain's blade struck. The crew cheered him on with glee. "What an upstanding captain we have!" cried one seaman. "What a keen nose for justice! Three cheers for Spanksworth!" By the end, the mate had to be lifted and gingerly carried back to his cabin. Afterward the crew went about their various tasks. But that evening, as the ship stood anchored in the calm sea, many of us sat on the deck dreamily leaning against the gunwales or resting our heads in our hands. We reminisced about the fine spanking and sighed with contentment. From below we could hear the moans of the mate and we giggled happily. We were meek and obedient men, the lot of us, but we imagined ourselves bold and defiant, receiving spanking after spanking as we sailed the oceans. I later spoke with the mate in confidence, and he confessed to me that despite his protests, he had found the spanking an enjoyable experience. "Aye, lad, it is worth every throb o' me tender backside. The captain's a fine hand with the spanking sword, none better. And there's more where that came from: don't be surprised if I misbehave a little more." He leaned forward and tapped his nose. "Between you and me, this is the twenty-third voyage I've made with Captain Spanksworth. And I've mutinied every time."