I found this in the archives.
-Art
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(This column originally appeared in celestial tabloid "The Topside Tattler.")
DERRING-DO AND DOUGHTY DEEDS
by Ms. Zostichore, Tattler staff
Well, Gods and Goddesses, we've been keeping our eye on everyone's favorite Terrestrial Do-Gooders and chronic Low Rollers, and once again they have given us something to talk about.
It looks like BALSA HACKBERRY is back up from her "condition"--good thing, because somebody needs to help cool the jets of Uber-Paladin LOTHAR GRIMSBURG. Wily Magician STRIGIL has been practicing some new spells, as has the mighty and brooding She-Priest MIRTH. But where did little NEQUAM go? Oops, there he is!
Our hardy band spends the night trying to smoke out those repulsive gobboids from their Orval Love Nest. On waking, Mirth flexes her Healing Biceps and everyone feels better. They reopen the passage down and discover that some more villains have come out to man the arrow holes. They decide to keep smokin'--but after a few minutes some nasties amble out to extinguish the flames. So our friends drop down and give them what for. Arrows fly. The gobboids are dispatched and our band moves to the next chamber.
More arrows? Sure, I'd love some. Strigil pulls a Celestial Eagle out of his hat and it goes to work. The far door is quickly downed by the Grimsburg Shoulder. All's well, right? Yes, except for that awful grease slick the gobboids fire up. Balsa and Strigil go back to fight from the first chamber, and with the eagle's help they put those gobboids down.
People start pulling over dead bodies to cover the flames, while Nequam hops through to the pit. Wait--who's spider-crawling on the ceiling? Come down, Strigil!
Wizard and Rogue make it across the pit. Mirth throws a rope across, and Nequam ties it to the door just as Strigil kicks it open. Ouch! Back in the flames, Balsa and Lothar put on a Keystone Kops show. Yikes! Lothar no likee flames!
They finally get across (c/o Levitating Feet Inc.) No more gobboids in the next room--whew! But hey, what's that charred nozzle behind the two gates? Air freshener maybe?
Someone (could it be Strigil?) suggests they go see where the smoke is getting out. After a lot of levitating hither and yon, Strigil and Nequam and Balsa find the exit outdoors under a pile of junk. Mirth and Lothar promise to wait for them. (Fingers crossed! They open the first gate anyway: flames pour forth. Tee hee!)
The trio crawls down a tunnel through a secret door into the other end of the chamber. They fiddle with some levers and the gates open. The fire finally goes out. Balsa finds Yet Another Trap Door In The Floor, so they descend.
More gobboids? Why no, a Dream Home, full of tapestries and lots of beds. Some searching turns up a bowl of magic ash and a secret passage. Another door leads to a Poop Room and an empty pantry. Things get heated as they decide which direction to search first--now settle down, children!
At the far end of the secret passage is a big door. Nequam looks through the keyhole. Nothing in view--probably another nice big empty room. They bust the door and march in.
That wasn't so--oops! Why the room is full of gobboids, including the almost humanish NILG and his eerie SHAMAN and forbidding HERO. Nilg shouts "Don't do anything stupid!" Everyone (including the gobboids) pauses and looks around. Huh?
Lothar the Ambassador diplomatically tells them he's going to kill them, and the fighting begins.
Mirth puts out some obscuring mist. Nequam valiantly hides. Balsa plays bonk-em with the gobboid next to her. Lothar runs up to offer Nilg a weapon-flavored present. Strigil follows and magically slows a few of the meanies down. He'd love to try his new fireball recipe, but Lothar's scared of fire, and the foe is too spread out anyway.
Then somehow the Shamalaman scares Lothar into running out of the way. The goblins collect together neatly. (Which one of you Gods is stacking their deck? Come on, be honest!) Strigil steps back and blasts about twelve of them. Yay Strigil! Everybody loves Strigil!
After that it's high-powered mopping up, although the Shaman proves to be a stubborn stain with his Web spell, and the good guys help him with their Roll Ones spell. (Nequam: Sneak Attack. Mirth: Death Touch. Lothar: Great Cleave. Balsa: Shoot At Strigil. Strigil: Tug Feebly.)
Finally the gobboids are all dead and Strigil's Fiendish Hyena disappears with a yelp. Ding ding! Twelve o'clock! Time for Magic Items! Our little friends find plenty: a morning star, a beaded necklace, delightful potions, a smartifying crown, a legitimate bastard sword (get it?), and elf-size armor. Mirth puts her lips to the cornucopia and blows fruit out the other end. Mirth and Strigil put on their thinking caps to figure out what it all means. A good time is had by all.
But will they be able to use this stuff? Are Fierce Ex-orc GORAG's relatives coming for vengeance? Will wise FATHER PITHEE ever beat SALDARI at tic-tac-toe? Will LOTHAR GRIMSBURG find the line of beauty products made just for him? Stay tuned, Gods and Goddesses! Time alone will tell!
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